Psybersquare: Better Beginnings through Better Endings

Better Beginnings through Better Endings
by Kevin Clark

New years offer the opportunity to reflect upon completion and closure. With the advent of a new year and century, there is tremendous value in being aware of endings. Sometimes a simple acknowledgement, a thank you, or a project completion dinner is all that is required. Other times, closure requires more work. Being aware of endings allows room for something new. Starting something new on top of something that is old and incomplete can produce anxiety and stress. Too many times, we rob ourselves of satisfaction when we rush on to the next thing. We sometimes forget to complete that which is truly finished. Whenever I feel overwhelmed about something, I treat it as a warning signal that something is not complete. Then, I do something about it.

For example, there was period after I got out of college when balancing my checkbook was an unbearable burden. At the time, I was persistently self-doubting about my ability to support myself. While I always managed to pay my bills, months would go by without my balancing my checkbook. I did this for years and, amazingly, I never bounced a check! In retrospect, those were years spent in anxiety about my career and financial future. After awhile, and with some good coaching, I noticed that the intensity of my feelings of financial insecurity had more than a passing relationship to the act of balancing my checkbook. Further, my feelings of financial desperation had a major role in my low self-esteem. In this example, there was something incomplete about my finances - my state of awareness about whether my checkbook was balanced or not - that contributed to feelings of anxiety in my life. It seems easy now, but the simple act of balancing my checkbook is something that brings completion to one area of my life. In turn, it reduces my anxiety and fosters self-confidence and ease in other areas of my life.

Are your relatives bugging you during the holidays? Have you made too many New Years resolutions that never get accomplished? Think for a bit about what may have been left unsaid or undone that might be like an unbalanced checkbook. It might be those things never said or completed that are the biggest contributor to feeling repulsed by one more family holiday dinner. Similarly, promising to lose weight every New Year without resolving the underlying reasons for unhealthy overeating will never let you lose the weight.

Other clues to a lack of completion or closure might be built up resentment, or unresolved anger. Resentment and anger can build up if the issues that generate them are not communicated or expressed. I can remember several holidays in my family that were spent in dread of being in the house with each other. It turns out that alcoholism and substance abuse by several family members had a lot to do with the arguments, crisis situations and related resentment and anger that made holidays stressful for us all. It took many years, several professional interventions, and open communication by everyone, to finally realize that we all had things to say to each other that we had never communicated. Today, though we are miles apart, we talk frequently and make regular plans to meet and enjoy each others company.

Clearly, some situations may require professional assistance. If you are reading this article and any of this seems familiar, take a moment and check out the Building Strength and Health section of Psybersquare. Appreciating your own accomplishments and those of others is part of being complete. Sometimes we just need to "vent" with a friend or empathetic partner or relative. This is another part of being complete - cleaning out the "mental trash" and making room for productive thoughts and actions. There may be times when nobody else is around to vent with. Or, you may be unable to speak to someone again, but need to say something to gain closure about an issue. If so, consider sharing a thought, a concern, or a feeling by posting a message on one of Psybersquare's bulletin boards.

At all times, open and honest communication is a way to be complete and to prevent anger, resentment and mental trash from clogging up your effectiveness in life.

Between now and the New Year, take some time to complete this year before you start the next one. Acknowledge yourself and what you have accomplished. Look up an old friend and share something that you wished you had told them before. Tell your partner why you really love her/him. Clean out your mental trash. Balance your checkbook! New beginnings are always a matter of personal declaration.

Happy New Year!