Psybersquare: Contempt and Fear

Contempt and Fear
by Mark Sichel, LCSW and Alicia L. Cervini

Contempt is a seed that often harvests fear.

Recently, a friend divulged to me that her husband feared me. I found this fact to be troubling, yet also perplexing. I don't think of myself as being "scary" or intimidating. What's more, this man had always treated me with disregard and contempt in the past, so as a general rule I made a special effort to keep my distance from him. What was it then that this man had to be afraid of?

In trying to sort out why someone who treated me so poorly would then be fearful of me, I tried to look at the people whom I myself have feared. When I was a teenager, I certainly feared my parents, and my behavior towards them was often contemptuous and disrespectful. Whenever my own children say, "Dad, you're going to kill me," their fear is inevitably the result of an action they took that was a flagrant violation of an agreement between us.

"Dad, I was afraid to show you my report card, so I didn't."

"Why were you afraid to show me your report card, son?"

"Because I didn't turn in six homework assignments."

The "fear," in instances like this, is born of the disinclination to face the consequences of disrespectful actions. While I don't require my son to be a straight A student, contempt in the form of disregard for his education is unacceptable to me. So, naturally my son is afraid of what my reaction to his behavior will be.

Rather than reflect upon disrespectful actions, realize the contempt inherent in them, and resolve to modify future behavior, it is easier for most to simply decide to "fear" the individual whom their actions most directly effect. The "fear" enables them to avoid the consequences of their behavior altogether by precluding the possibility of interaction with the offended party. The "fear" in cases such as this, is really nothing more than a reluctance to face the consequences of disrespectful actions.

A client, Josie*, recently told me that she fears her boyfriend's mother. Josie said that she had planned to meet her boyfriend's parents for dinner one time, but had changed the plan at the last second with no explanation. Josie said that she had never called her boyfriend's mother to explain or apologize, because she was afraid of her. Unable to understand why she was fearful of the mother, Josie proceeded to enumerate several other instances where her disrespectful behavior, evident to everyone but her, had caused her to sever ties with people.

As you can see, contemptuous behavior can become a serious obstacle in interpersonal relationships. Without open communication and respect, the fear that results can bring the relationship to a screeching halt. There is no reason to fear those whom you treat with respect and consideration. However, the husband who stays out drinking will likely fear his wife, for he's treating her with disrespect and contempt. The student who doesn't comply with assignments will likely fear the teacher whom he is disrespecting. The wife who breaks agreements with her husband, the worker who doesn't comply with policy, the elected official who breaks the law will all likely fear those whom they've treated contemptuously.

Conquer some of your fears and smooth out your social life by eliminating contemptuous actions from your life. If you do disrespect someone close to you, own up to your actions and you will find that the situation will blow over; there will be nothing more to fear. If, on the other hand, you are someone that has been declared "scary" by a person in your life, reflect upon that person's past actions toward you to see if the explanation lies there.

*The names of all clients have been changed to protect their identities.