Psybersquare: I am a Grateful Recovering Addict

I am a Grateful Recovering Addict
by Judy Shepps Battle, MA

"Hi, my name is Judy, and I am a grateful recovering addict."

How many times have I started my sharing at a 12-Step meeting with these words? Let's see -- more than 19 years multiplied by 365 days multiplied by (sometimes) several meetings in a day -- that's many times. I have not always, however, inserted the word "grateful" in the phrase. In fact, it was quite a while before I could say the word "addict" (in its many forms).

For the first few months, hovering around my first 12-Step program, all I could do was mumble "Hi, my name is Judy." Still, the chorus of "Hi, Judy! Welcome!" would embrace me as soon as I said hi.

When I began my recovery journey, I was very ungrateful. I felt deeply that life had wronged me and that I was its "designated victim" while everyone else enjoyed the party.

And because I believed I was a victim, I thought and acted like a victim. The energy created by this posture attracted more bullies. Fueled by negativity, fatalism and resentment, the cycle continued.

It was at a meeting for friends and family of addicts that I was first introduced to the idea of cultivating an "attitude of gratitude." I didn't know what in the world that was, but listened as program members shared:

"I am grateful for my health."

"I am grateful for this meeting."

"I am grateful for the sunrise this morning."

"I am grateful for my recovery."

I nodded, and the poet in me understood the joy being expressed. I was busy composing an artistic response when one member shared the following:

"I am grateful for my alcoholism and for my own addictions."

"Huh?" I remember saying that out loud, and then feeling very embarrassed as the group laughed.

The next person to speak was Margot, a very prim and proper older lady who always brought her knitting to the meeting. She said, "I am grateful for having my addiction, also. Without it I would have been able to perfectly manage my life without a need to discover my Higher Power. When I was young, I was raised believing I needed to be self-sufficient and that asking for help was a sign of weakness. Today I am grateful to be cultivating surrender as the cash crop in my life."

I must confess I did think she was a tad weird but I said, "Thank you for sharing." After the meeting she gave me a big hug and grin, and said, "Keep coming back."

I did come back, and the language of gratitude that once seemed so foreign became my native tongue. I have never been able to master knitting like Margot, but when I share at meetings and talk of my thankfulness for the disease of addiction as it has played out in my life, I feel Margot's presence.

I wish I could say I am automatically grateful each time I roll over one of life's "bumps in the road." I'm not. My knee-jerk response is usually an expletive followed by panic, hopelessness and self-pity (although maybe not in that order).

What is different now is that my time on the "pity pot" is much shorter than when I began my recovery. And I have learned that for every negative thought I allow myself (e.g., "This situation will last forever. It will never get better"), I must put forth a positive statement (e.g., "I am capable," "I am enough," "I am joy").

Once fear is neutralized, faith emerges -- faith in myself and in my Higher Power. Invariably I can then settle down to learn the lessons from the latest "bump." As I re-center myself, a wave of gratitude washes over me and serenity sets in.

By the way, that is "serenity" as defined by our Serenity Prayer. I sort through the things I can and cannot change and pray for discernment. The world stays the same -- it's my attitude that changes my body chemistry, and as a result, my perceptions

What part does gratitude play in your recovery program?

Copyright 2000 Judy Shepps Battle

RECOMMENDED READING FROM THE PSYSTORE:

Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude
by Sarah Ban Breathnach
Our Price: $10.36

"This beautiful companion journal to the national bestseller 'Simple Abundance' provides women with a place to record their daily moments of gratitude while offering them insight via inspirational quotes. About 'Simple Abundance,' Thomas Moore says, '(This is) a book of real wisdom, mercifully free of jargon and implicit moralism, a satisfying blend of the sassy and the profound.' -- Synopsis

For a selection of books on this topic, visit the Psystore.

** All prices subject to change without notice

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Judy Shepps Battle, widely known on AOL's Addiction & Recovery Forum for her expertise on recovery, is now promoting positive social change with her new website, Write Action.