Psybersquare: Love and Money

Love and Money
by Pat Catalano

How often do we equate love and money? It's an easy enough trap to fall into. If someone gives you a cheap present, you think that you are not important to them. You yourself may have a price scale for your gift giving. Spend this much on your significant other, that much on your parents, and so much for each friend, depending on their importance to you and how much they spend on you. Whenever presents are exchanged, whether it's Valentine's Day, Christmas, or someone's birthday, there is always the risk that love will become a status symbol measured by dollars and cents.

This kind of thinking can lead to our forgetting the other gifts given to us by loved ones, as well as putting tremendous pressure on our wallets during the holidays. Money isn't love! Just because someone is spending a fortune on you, doesn't mean they want to spend the rest of their life with you. It doesn't even mean they would be there for you next week should you be in trouble. The person who gave you the smallest gift may be the one who is always there when needed. Look at the value of the friendship itself, not at the value of the gifts.

Gifts come in many different guises. Sometimes we don't even realize we've received a gift from the heart. We don't acknowledge the generosity and love expressed by a gift that isn't tied in ribbons and fancy wrapping paper. But there are many gifts of love that we receive every day. Listening is a gift. So is understanding and that timely cup of tea. Then, of course, there are larger gifts - like going to your spouse's company party, or attending a difficult family gathering. Learn to appreciate the little things, the big things, and the small courtesies that show you are treasured. And say thank you.

Not to say that this lets you completely off the hook at holiday time! A little something under the tree or on February 14th is part of the tradition. But you don't have to go broke for tradition. Take the price tag off your heart and the heart of everyone around you! You may have heard that you can't buy love. Love isn't love if it vanishes when the gifts and the money stops. The people who love you will still be there, long after the fast cars, free meals, and diamonds have left.

You don't need to spend a fortune to receive love. Realize that you are not an unlovable cheapskate if you don't spend what you don't have. This isn't being a Scrooge. It's listening to your Guardian Angel. Anyone who really cares for you will be uncomfortable if you spend too much. Often we have a preconceived notion of how much an appropriate gift costs. Clear those notions out of your mind. Re-define appropriate. An appropriate gift is one that you can afford that shows your love and understanding of the recipient. Also, your understanding of the recipient may mean that you don't overwhelm someone with a gift that cannot be reciprocated.

I know one woman whose in-laws gave her and her husband a cruise, along with other presents. Even though she gave them a very nice gift, it made her uncomfortable that her gift did not seem to measure up. How could her respect and love for her in-laws register in the shadow of their gift to her? She was greatly troubled by this, and it took away some of her enjoyment of the holidays. It's important to remember in an instance like this, that the holidays are not a competition to show who can love the best or the most.

You don't have to match the giving styles of friends or family that are beyond your budget. Use your judgment. You can suggest a spending ceiling for gift giving, or a no gift policy with your friends. If that doesn't work, then say thank you to what you've been given and give a gift selected with love. If it is important to your friends and family that gift giving be balanced, let them give you a more reasonably priced gift the following year. If it doesn't bother them or they want to spend, let them be happy and don't worry about it. This may be their way of showing their appreciation for all the little things you've done for them all year.

If you're in a new relationship and Christmas or Valentine's Day is swinging around, it's usually a good idea to discuss expectations. Everyone celebrates the holidays differently. Some people exchange a token. Some people go wild. Be clear about how you view the holiday, what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, and listen to your partner's thoughts on the matter. Do not disregard this discussion! Do not pile on the presents if your partner isn't used to this and if you've agreed not to go nuts! Your partner will not thank you for it and it could lead to an uncomfortable holiday.

Try going for the special, the fun, and individual when selecting gifts instead of the expensive, fancy, and famous. What good is a gift at any price if it's not for an individual? Try to impress with your thoughtfulness instead of the exchange price. This goes for those who have money as well! You don't have to shower expensive gifts on everyone around you because you feel it's expected. If you feel the only reason people are friends with you is because of the expensive gifts you give, it's time to stop and examine your friendships. If giving large gifts makes you uncomfortable for any reason, explore within. Everyone has to find his own comfort zone with gift giving. Finding your comfort zone makes the whole process much more fun!

So take the pressure off of the holidays. Make a pact with yourself to enjoy your holiday gift giving. Clear the slate of other people's expectations. Just be the wonderful, loving person you are. Gifts are fun and wonderful, both to give and to receive. There's no need to give in to the financial pressures placed on you by the manufacturers as well as by your friends and family. Not over-spending may even help you to be able to enjoy the holidays a little more this year! Let's face it, diamonds are nice, but they're not much help when you need a hug. It takes a big heart to make the time to listen, to care, and to understand. And this adds up to riches far beyond anything with a price tag.