Psybersquare: The Valentine's Challenge

The Valentine's Challenge: A Live Chat Transcript

Below you can read the full transcript of the Valentine's Challenge Live Chat, held here on Psybersquare Valentine's Day, 2000.

PSYCoach Cupid:
Welcome to the Valentine's Challenge! Psybersquare is pleased to have as our speakers tonight Cindy Kasovitz Sichel and Mark Sichel, who are both Licensed Clinical Social Workers. Cindy and Mark bring to tonight's Conference a combined 50 years of clinical experience working with couples and individuals regarding issues of love, sex, romance, and managing close relationships. They also bring 17 years of experience as a couple who have learned to keep their relationship alive, well, passionate and enduring while raising 4 children and managing a busy psychotherapy practice. We'll have an opportunity for questions, and as they come to mind, please instant message me and I'll put you in the queue to ask and share.

Mark Sichel:
A warm welcome to all of you here tonight! It's great seeing all of your warm, loving faces. Over the years, Cindy and I have celebrated 17 Valentine's Days together and we've listened to thousands of individuals and couples talk about how disappointing this Hallmark Holiday can be.

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
I think the key to a great Valentine's Day, is, if you're in a couple, to have had plenty of romance and love all year round. The big mistake many men make in my experience, is expecting it all to be taken care of on that one day.

Mark Sichel:
You're talking professional experience here, right honey? LOL

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
Oh yes, of course Mark, you know I've never noticed your making any mistakes, ROFLOL If I may continue?

Mark Sichel:
Please

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
I think the biggest problem men have in relationships is often an unwillingness to work at the relationship and stay connected with their partners. Many men, when they get off the dime, are great with their partners, but the single most common complaint I hear from women is that men don't consistently put much effort into their love lives, and then try to make up for it on February 14.

Mark Sichel:
I think you're right, I also hear this from women in my practice every day. And I want to point out to our audience that for people who are not involved in relationships, and may be frustrated with the difficulties of finding a partner, they also really need to think about effort and hard work. Sometimes it's exceedingly difficult to do the things people need to do to make themselves feel attractive and to get out there and meet people.

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
Yes, I agree. That's why we wrote the Valentine's Challenge. We had seen all these articles on "Finding a Man in 30 Days"...

Mark Sichel:
Yes, and gimmicks like "How to Kiss Like a Movie Star"

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
It became clear to us that people get in trouble with expectations that one day a year, when they feel they should be Romeo and Juliet and then try to take all kinds of short cuts to make that happen.

Mark Sichel:
You know, Cindy, you mentioned the biggest mistake men make about Valentine's Day, however, I'll bet everyone really wants to hear the biggest mistake women make.

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
I don't know why you think that, Honey. LOL Sure, if you think women make mistakes, let's hear it Mark.

Mark Sichel:
I think women give us men some mixed messages and don't like to tell us what they want at times. Most men don't really understand why women think that we're being lazy by not knowing what they want. I so often hear from clients who see me as a couple, the women saying, "you should know what I want and I shouldn't have to tell you."

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
I've heard that quite a bit from men, and I think sometimes that's true. But I also think if a man makes the effort to stay connected and not withdraw into his own world, that he will, at least more of the time, know what a woman wants. In any case, I think the best resolution of this is to talk about how helpful it is to make Valentine's Day planning a couples' event and for single people to use initiative to think about the idea of a couple needing to be a TEAM.

Mark Sichel:
Yes, I think that's the central point. Couples do have the most fun when they know how to play and function as a team. Couples have the best chance of staying together if they can acquire this skill with each other. Can I share with the audience the Valentine's Day gift we gave each other yesterday?

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
So long as you don't think that counts as the ONLY Valentine's Day gift...

Mark Sichel:
No, no, of course not. Staying alive is of the utmost interest to me. Anyway, Cindy and I went to an event together which I didn't want to attend. My natural tendency would be to complain, whine, and make Cindy miserable. However, I thought it through, and decided the spiritually correct and loving thing to do was be in a great mood, and make the event nice for the woman I love. In return, Cindy was really warm; she acknowledged my effort and told me how much she appreciated my making the day fun for her.

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
Yes, I was very glad you made it enjoyable for me Mark, and I think that it's illustrative of the concept of playing as a team as well as putting effort in. Nevertheless, just don't take that as a signal to get lazy on me after Valentine's Day, LOL I want to thank you all for being here and being such a great audience. This is my first live web chat, and I'm really having fun. Now we're both very eager to hear all of your questions and comments.

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