Psybersquare: The Valentine's Challenge

The Valentine's Challenge: A Live Chat Transcript

Below please read the second half of the Valentine's Challenge Live Chat with Mark Sichel, LCSW and Cindy Kasovitz Sichel, LCSW -- two couples' therapists who are also a couple!

Question:
This question is for both of you. My wife and I are sitting here listening, and your thoughts are very interesting to us. Could you tell us some specific techniques for keeping love and romance alive all year? We love each other very much, but we have two young kids and we each work many hours.

Mark Sichel:
I think people focus on what they consider priorities. For example, sometimes I'll hear from a client that their mate is able to put great effort each day into their work, or their fitness programs, or their children. It's clear that if you don't make your partner a daily priority, your relationship won't feel alive and passionate. I also think that if you stay focused, a relationship doesn't always become time consuming, but very often just a little bit of acknowledgement and warmth keeps two people connected during the busy times.

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
I'd like to add two points. One is to expand on what Mark said. Not only do you need to make daily efforts to stay connected in small ways, but you also need to spend time as a couple and share experiences. It's very helpful for couples to go out together, take vacations together without their children and without their laptop computers. In addition, I think the biggest challenge for many people is to stay focused on not being oblivious to their partner. We all get very consumed with ourselves and our responsibilities - work, kids, extended family - it's important to remember that your partner and you need to make each other feel like THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES.

Mark Sichel:
I just want to add one other concrete suggestion. We have a number of interactive exercises on Psybersquare which really have proven to be helpful in keeping couples connected. Try some of them if you like by going to the US section of Psybersquare. Specifically, I'd suggest the Wish List and the Appreciation List.

Question:
I'm currently single and have been in two long-term relationships. Each time the relationship has ended due to continual fighting. I'd like to ask Cindy: Any suggestions for my future relationships that would help me feel confident about getting married and having children?

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
I'll make two suggestions. One is that people in relationships get lost in trying to WIN their fights rather than finding ways to accommodate each other. As a team, you need to focus on winning as a couple rather than proving that you are "right" to your partner. Especially when it comes to feelings, learn to listen and understand your partner, because feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings. I also would like to make a suggestion for the site. Next time you're involved with someone, try following The Ten Commandments of Harmonious Love Relationships. These are common sense rules that we developed over the years working with clients, and learning to live with each other.

Mark Sichel:
I'm afraid we're out of time and have to "close the show." It's been a pleasure having you all here tonight. I know there were a number of other people with questions and comments. Please feel free to post them on the Psybersquare Message Boards. Thank you all for being here; you were a great audience.

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
Excuse me Mark, I have to add something please.

Mark Sichel:
It's my pleasure to let you have the last word honey, you will anyway, so go right ahead LOL...

Cindy Kasovitz Sichel:
Yes, thank you; that's very magnanimous of you Mark, LOL. I just wanted to remind the audience one more time to remember that loving and passionate relationships take hard work. If this Valentine's Day is not all you dreamed of, look forward to the next one, because if you start your work now, whether you're single or attached, you can surely make next Valentine's the best ever! Thank you all for being here tonight and being such a responsive audience.

Page 1 of the Valentine's Challenge Live Chat Transcript