Psybersquare: Paucity and Punch

Paucity and Punch
by Mark Sichel, LCSW and Alicia L. Cervini

Want to be thought of as "quick-witted?" Want to be thought of as "having your wits about you?" Want to be thought of as never reaching your "wit's-end?" Well, as a wise man once said: "Brevity is the soul of wit." Even back in the Renaissance days, Shakespeare knew that keeping it short and sweet was the best way to be an effective communicator.

"Paucity and punch" is just another way of saying: "Keep it short and sweet." In my experience with psychotherapy clients and even in my life, I have noticed that people tend to lose their effectiveness when they talk too much. This garrulous loss of power and control can occur in personal situations, such as with a parent, child, lover, husband, wife, but it can also occur in business and professional settings. Your family may forgive you. Will your boss?

June*, a woman who works as an administrative assistant for the Director of a Social Service organization, talked to me about how she would handle unreasonable requests from her boss. June found that if she didn't say "no" to her boss at times, she would end up feeling exploited and overworked. Yet, when her boss would make unreasonable demands, June would become anxious and nervous, because she likes her boss, wants to please her, and feels quite committed to promoting excellence within the organization.

Thus, when faced with an unreasonable request from her boss, June would panic and try to explain ALL of the reasons why she couldn't fulfill her boss' request, weaving in extraneous information, adding in all the times she HAD worked overtime and listing the occasions when she HAD completed tasks outside the scope of her job assignment.

When June would lose her cool and talk too much, her boss' eyes would glaze over and June would find that she had talked herself full circle, until she wound up agreeing to do exactly the thing that she didn't want to do. Talked into a corner, June would wind up unhappy, and her boss would wind up thinking that June was a bit of a flake -- not to mention a pushover.

Why is it so easy to fall into the trap of saying WAY more than we have to? When we say too much, we rarely achieve our objectives and we wind up feeling defeated. Why do we keep doing it? The major reason, in my opinion, is that we get frightened, both of displeasing others as well as of being misunderstood by others. Our fear causes anxiety, fragmentation and confusion and can lead us to say more than is necessary for effective communication.

In our case study, June's inability to communicate effectively was a result of her neglecting to interpose a thought between a feeling and an action (in this case, the action was talking). June felt pressured and afraid of how her boss would react to her wants and needs. Because she didn't interpose a thought between the fear/pressure she felt and her reaction to that fear, a torrent of words followed instead of the simple reaction "Let me think about it." June did not achieve her goal.

"Think before you speak" is an excellent mantra to integrate into your way of reacting to situations if YOU tend to talk too much to ill effect. There's no need to try to kill a fly with a hammer when you could just as easily use a swatter. Measure your thoughts and words before you use them and you will find yourself communicating more effectively in situations where you want or need something. Don't let fear or anxiety cause you to overreact.

Whenever you find yourself being urged to agree to something that you feel reluctant to go along with, remember that you are entitled to say, "Let me think about that." You do not need to give in to the pressure to make an instant decision. Taking the time to think about your response will enable you to respond succinctly, cogently, and simply.

Which fears do you experience when you're asked to do something you don't want to do? Which fears do you experience when another person pressures you into making an instant decision? What about when you need to assert yourself or when you are informing someone of something you know will cause them to be upset? In my experience, most over-talkers fall prey to the fears listed below:

Fear of being misunderstood

Fear of not being liked

Fear of being seen as heartless and mean

Fear of displeasing another

Fear of insulting another

Fear of being thought of as ineffective

Fear of being humiliated or put down

Fear of being rejected

Fear of loss of love

Fear of another person's anger

Notice how all of these fears are based upon another person's reactions, thoughts and feelings? We can only control ourselves, never how another person will react to us. The next time you are in a pressure-filled situation in which you know you should be saying "let me think about that," review these fears. Take the time you are entitled to in order to choose your words wisely. Try to remember that no matter WHAT you do, you will not be able to control how another person reacts to you.

Don't let your fears control you. Instead, take a few more of Shakespeare's words to heart:

"...above all: to thine own self be true,/And it must follow, as the night the day,/Thou canst not then be false to any man."

Understand that if you are honest and straightforward about communicating your wants and needs to your boss or your loved ones, you have nothing to fear from another's reaction to you. When you can dispel your fears, you will be able to speak with paucity and punch; your words will have power; you will get what you need and want.

*The names of all clients have been changed to protect their identities.