Psybersquare: Family

10 Tips for Surviving a Feast with Your Family

by Mark Sichel, LCSW and Alicia L. Cervini

Eating big meals with the family is never a piece of cake (though it often includes at least one of those). Here are some tips to get through the meal without succumbing to tears or overeating as a coping mechanism.

Pre-plan the meal. Conflict can lead to overeating. If you dine with people or relatives that you tend to fight with, you are more likely to overeat. Unfortunately, we don't always get to pick who we sit next to at family meals. So, to come out a winner no matter what the seating chart is, pre-plan the meal in your head. Take precautionary measures! Cocktail-time is often a prelude to a family feud. Make sure you have raw vegetables and other healthy alternatives to the greasy hors d'oeuvres served during cocktail hour. Don't go to the meal feeling ravenous. Write down how you're feeling a few days before the gathering. Anticipate scenarios that could weaken your resolve to both eat and behave healthily, then decide in advance how you will successfully handle these "danger" moments. Discuss your plan with a buddy. Envision yourself in control and proud of it.
Indulge where it doesn't count. Feeling deprived can lead to explosive bouts of overeating, followed by guilt and plummeting self-esteem. Who needs that? Don't let yourself feel deprived in the first place. Bring plenty of tasty low or non-caloric treats and eat as much of them as you like. Indulge without the bulge!
Be relaxed. Stress and anxiety can lead to over-eating. When you arrive at the gathering, be serene. Before the meal, do your favorite stress busting activity: exercise, take a bubble bath, read a trash novel, take a stroll, meditate, sing -- whatever makes you feel calm and contented.
Celebrate you. If you find that your self-esteem suffers around your family or your partner's family, make sure to go in armed with the knowledge of all the wonderful qualities that you possess. Are you strong? Thoughtful? Creative? Whimsical? Friendly? Determined? Caring? Funny? Celebrate you! Write down the qualities you like most about yourself and bring the list with you to the meal. If you start to feel insecure, excuse yourself and take a quick peek. It will be hard to feel low about someone so great!
Self-Esteem Workshop >>
Be Thankful. Concentrating on all the aspects of your life that you are grateful for will keep your mind focused on the positive. Feeling positive feels good.
Gratitude List >>
Pre-plan your family interactions. You know which cousins pick on you incessantly. Avoid them. Be polite, but do not engage in conversation with them. They will eventually tire of your lack of reaction and look for easier prey elsewhere. Meanwhile, you will emerge with your self-control intact and your self-esteem soaring.
No means no. Remember, you are entitled to say no. It is your right to decline an additional serving, it is your right to leave food on your plate, and it is your right to excuse yourself from the table when you wish. You are entitled to enjoy your holiday without chaos, fighting, overeating, anxiety, or stress. If your inner voice tells you to say "no" - trust it. Say it, and stick to it.
Personal Bill of Rights >>
Practice self-assertion. If you have a hard time saying "no", practice self-assertion in the weeks and days leading up to the holiday meal. Assertion is not aggression. Assertion is not demanding, taking, bullying, cajoling, whining, complaining or stepping on others. Assertion is merely asking for what you want and need in a calm--but firm--manner. Look for opportunities to practice self-assertion in your daily activities.
Assertiveness Training >>
Control only what you can -- yourself. While you can't control how someone else behaves, you CAN control how you react. A large family meal is certainly not the time to try and change the behavior of your relatives, spouse, children, in-laws, or anyone else. They are who they are -- warts and all. Trying to alter someone else's behavior will likely result in your losing control of your own. As control slips away, you'll feel overwhelmed and you'll want to overeat. Stay in control. You need only be responsible for your OWN actions.
Follow a role model. Visualize someone that you admire. Think about how your role model handles holidays, family stress, anxiety, depression, and overeating. Handle family meal problems the way you imagine that your role model would.