Let's Retire 'Always' and 'Never'
by Mark Sichel, LCSW
How do you get a handle on black and white thinking? One way is to conduct an inventory by writing down all your black and white thoughts, and logging all the times you use words like "always" and "never." Sometimes this is a good exercise to complete with a buddy. Next to the black and white statements, you need to write the reality-based facts and issues that do not reconcile with the black and white thinking.
For example, here's Charlotte's* Always and Never correction page:
- I never feel happy any more.
Correction: I don't feel happy as often as I used to or as much as I'd like to, but I do sometimes feel happy.
- I always feel disappointed with my husband.
Correction: I often feel disappointed in Randolph and I need to be more expressive when it comes to letting him know what I need and want.
- I will never feel good again as long as I live.
Correction: This is probably an untrue statement since I was happy just a few weeks ago when my friend Cynthia came and visited for the weekend. I also was happy when I saw my daughter in her school play this week. I also remember that Randolph and I had a good time a few weeks ago when we went dancing with our friends.
- I have nothing to look forward to anymore.
Correction: I have much to look forward to with a beautiful young daughter and a husband who loves me. I don't know why I sometimes can't see this, but I need to look at this list the next time I sink into depression.
Charlotte reported that she had always been a person who is not easily satisfied and that she only prayed that her daughter would not be like her. "I guess what I really mean is that I'm often not easily satisfied and I hope Amelia will have an easier time finding satisfaction than I have."
Make yourself a black and white thinking log: it's a great blues buster as well as a terrific way to calm yourself down. It's also a wonderful tool for a couple to use when in the midst of relationship problems.
Let's look at what happened when Charlotte and Randolph worked together on their black and white thinking:
Charlotte: You're never warm and affectionate with me.
Randolph: I'm always warm and affectionate with you.
Reality: Charlotte wishes Randolph would more often be demonstrative of warmth with her and Randolph acknowledged that he wasn't in fact always demonstrative and could work on being warm and affectionate more often.
Randolph: You always put Amelia's needs before mine. I feel like I never get your attention any more.
Charlotte: I also feel you always pay more attention to Amelia than to me.
Reality: Most parents feel conflicted and divided and don't know how to divide their attention fairly among the family.
Correct your black and white thinking in any area in which it becomes a problem for you: at work, home, or within yourself related to your depression or anxiety symptoms. If you have a mate and you notice you're both sinking into black and white thinking, you see now how to do this exercise with each other. It's a great communication facilitator, and is sure to bring the two of you closer together.
*The names of all clients have been changed to protect their identities.
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