How to be Absolutely Irresistible
by Guy Kettelhack
Most of us are so rarely really listened to that when we are -- when someone looks into our eyes and actually gives us their complete, compassionate enthusiasm and attention - we're usually startled. Brought up short. Warmed and grateful -- certainly -- but probably also a touch unnerved. One lifelong friend of mine, a busy mother and elementary school teacher whose every waking moment is spent paying attention to her fourth grade students and her own kids, said she once burst into tears when an aunt she hadn't seen for months dropped by to visit and asked -- with real concern and affection -- how she was doing. "She really wanted to know!" my friend recalled (close to tears again, her tone still unbelieving).
The actress Glenn Close once described the effect her grandmother (another apparently wonderful listener) had on anyone she met: "She made them feel like they were the most important person in the world." To demonstrate, Ms. Close offered two readings of four ordinary conversational words -- something like, "Really? You're from Philadelphia?" The first version was cordial enough -- but a little bored, distracted. The second version (Glenn's grandma's) gripped you with its warmth and intensity. Glenn Close's face lit up and came to life: she seemed truly to care about finding out all the untold, private, funny, fascinating stories that growing up in Philadelphia must surely have entailed. Her intensity blossomed from a premise too rarely embraced: that people are interesting. No matter who they are, they're worth your attention. Good listeners make you feel that your feelings, thoughts, dreams and plans have interest and value. That you matter.
Alas, most of us don't listen like Glenn Close's grandmother. Many of us listen with only a fraction of an ear. This is especially the case at parties, which (whether at the office, with family or friends) besiege us at certain times of the year. Maybe you clam up - maybe you tend to run off at the mouth - but, if you're like a lot of people, you probably are more concerned with how "sociable," impressive or attractive you're coming across than with opening yourself to listen to someone else. Or maybe you wonder why more people don't walk up to you and say something interesting. (Why do you always have to do all the work?) If only they knew what was going on inside you! So much is bursting to come out - so many interests, anecdotes, observations - even some pretty good jokes! -- any or all of which you'd eagerly share if only "the right" person would appear out of the crowd and ask you "the right" questions.
So what's the solution? Think of Glenn Close's enthralling grandmother. Then imagine yourself at the next party you go to. There's a shy-looking man standing next to you, purposefully evading anyone's glance, nervously grasping his glass of ginger ale. Turn to him and introduce yourself. Look into his eyes as you ask him if he's enjoying himself. Mean the words. See the startled look he gives back to you -- startled not only that you're talking to him, but that you seem to care about what he thinks. Watch his bewilderment turn into a smile. Then listen -- really listen -- to what he says.
Everyone at the party will see the light in your eyes. You'll be absolutely irresistible.
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